making a post here for nostalgias sake.

alehbear.livejournal.com

this journal is dead.

i had put up a long post and you know what? this shit doesnt make me feel better anymore. so fuck it.




i am pissed and insulted daniela is at another prom and its okay to be mad. it is not alright to hold a grudge. this will pass, shes worth dealing with. shes pessimistic enough for the both of us, mr. brightside here for the win.

thank you for taking the time to read, for the phone calls and texts, thank you for caring.

sincerely,
alexprag

I made a huuuge post that I started writing at 4 and decided no one would read it and if anyone did they'd be a little pissy.

Long story short: Dani is hard to deal with but I like it. Davey was fun to have over. Ramen & cereal = Never again. Lj break.

Care to keep up with my bullshit still? Twitter.com/alehbear



Plans were to hang out with my girlfriend, I'm hoping but it doesn't seem likely anymore so if anything I'm going to wal-mart with chinh to buy paints, pastels, and various colors of paper to contine decorating my room.

you know what was one of the main reasons i dont like intoxicants very much? its never been the fact its bad for you that bothered me as much as how hard it can hit the people around me.


i make mistakes, ask around. id love to be known for my hits, not my misses. but im trying, im really trying.

ive found that we are who we are, so love yourself.

i am in what is easily one of my best relationships ever, if not the best. shes taller, hard headed, a hottie. im short and full of one-liners and bar jokes shes learning to like. sweet.
a little less then unpredicatable but a little more then planned out. this time last year this is not what i would have imagined to be going on but maybe thats a good thing. its usually nice. as soon as i get used to people trying to hook her up with their friends or themselves i'll be coasting. sometimes its easier to just pull up my hood and blast the music a little louder but easy is boring, boredom leads to thinking to much, thinking to much leads to pissy alex and quite frankly no one likes dealing with that.

lips talking, eyes watching, envying the happy couple. eyes locking with hands and lips rushing us to sins... i dont particularly mind. take the chances now and beg for forgiveness later.

SO people put up these little numbered lists every once in a while and i must say say im becoming incredibly fond of these things, i think im gonna do one every saturday.

1. lets nerd the place up with comics and video games then sit at the lake talking shit
2. cancel the pity parties, go out and have fun. play your guitar. walk around. take it from the king of dramatics and cheap shots, just styaing inside bitching changes nothing.
3. counting down the days till june 2nd. can you believe my room still isnt clean? at least you can see my floor now
4. youve got an ego. ive got an ego. lets be egomaniacs together and get phone numbers we'll never call
5. remember when we used to play bet-i-can-steal-more-then-you? i do.



i wonder if it will rain all week?

i did. in the end, it left us both unhappy and bitter individuals wondering why the other acted in such a manner. ive come to the conclusion that while compromise is necessary changing into another man is not the answer. you want a guy who is patient and quiet? find another guy.
i am loud, obnoxious, and as likely to walk away from you in irritation as i am to shout. am i willing to keep quiet from time to time? sure. am i willing to talk out my problems? um. depends.

but love me for me not for who you think you csn turn me into.

when ash and i came to an end, or (to be more exact) when i got dumped i went into a serious depression not just because i was alone but because it seemed like the first time i had put the best of what i was into something that failed. it was a huge addition to the bullshit that was already being dealt with. the sad part was that we both knew it was coming but denied it and in the end it was so hollow, so pointless, that it was an insult to call it a relationship. from best friends to ex-friends to the end all because neither one of us was ourselves, we both became (or tried to be) what we thought the other wanted.

and look at what it did to us! i wont blame ashley for my drug use but it certainly was a part of it... but this letter from davey cheered me up and although it didnt stop me from trying to drown my problems in lots of liquor or clouds of smoke it certainly made me realize that while not perfect i am a good friend and i have friends that love me in spite of my flaws. time after time ive read this letter and smiled while walking out the door knowing that even if im single ive got davey.

no homo? pfft. EXTREME homo.

9/28/09
"A loving note to our loving friend, Alex Rosado."

by Davey Barragan


We love you. Yes, we do. Who are we? We are who. We are those who target the love we have in us. Us? Yes, us. Us, who love in great proportions. Us, who will only kick babies when really pissed off. Well, to continue... You are the target, we are the love. Get ready to be bathed with our affection, cuz we will hug you, tickle you, and feed you with smiles. You have us here, in a book, in your cup of water, in your bathroom...

That is correct, we stalk you even in your bathroom.

We saw you naked, and there's nothing to be ashamed of. Cold water does that to men, it just happens. You're dignity isn't lost in the shower, it hides because it fears the cold weather. But once out of the shower, IT is out again. Just like flowers, when they sprout at the security of daylight. Nothing to be afraid of! We will cut your nails and hold a tissue under your nose for when you need to blow your nose.

Blow is such a funny word when you have a dirty mind.

You are top priority, and by that, I mean you are always before Gears of War and MySpace. If I had a notebook of things to do, you'd be first. Not the I'm implying that I would literally do you, but that I would do you as part of my listings before do-ing any other "to do's" on my list.

You are that. very. special to me.

;D

If I could bake you a color, it'd be white. WAIT, that doesn't make sense! White is not a color. White is. the. absence of color. Then why would you say white?...

Because I love twinkies.

Yes, I know they are yellow, I am not dumb... but on the inside they are white. And that's what's important, what's on the inside, not on the outside. If I had said yellow, and then stated my twinkie logic, I would have been just another superficial dick.

Dick is such a funny word when you have a dirty mind, by the way.

And the point to this loving note for you by your mega wega awesome friends (us) would have been nonexistent. And everything I wrote would have vanished, and I would have been really upset. I consider myself to be a laziest person alive, and to have done something this big and just have it erased completely from the face of the universe.

I mean, SERIOUSLY, someone's going to have to kick a baby.

Back on topic. When we became friends, we made business. And by business, I mean closure. And by closure, I mean "No refunds." And by "No refunds", I mean no motherfucking refunds! We sold each other a part of ourselves, it was credited by the love we held in each our hands, and it was paid off with the now of all times we continuously hope for every moment of our lives. The transaction of our lives, making the best of everything. United we stand, together we'll love.

The end.





and THIS is why davey is my best friend. bros before hoes, never before love, always before pussy. ah, what a motto.


oh, i make a month with dani tomorrow :D sweet. im learning to play a few songs on guitar to play for her on her birthday but its sort of hard without davey telling me how to do everything. damn these fingers to hell.

I'm sitting in degraffs class for the last time waiting for the day to end... it's not the end of highschool for me but it should be. I don't know how to feel. I don't even really know how I do.

Tired (even though I slept for almost 11 solid hours).
Nervous cause mom will probably be finding out I'm not graduating on time today.
Sad because now when I wander these hallways it will be fully nostalgic.
Excited because even if I have to come back for a few more months it's all done for me.

The summer holds school, parties, liquor, friends, trips to the beach and out of the country and it's a dull-exciting-tiring schedule ahead.

I take with a grain of salt the bittersweet feelings. I won't see many people I see everyday after today. Some because I don't care to, others cause I can't, circumstance along hopes with and dreams were always gonna push us apart.

What needs to happen: Summer school. Night school. Marine Corps.

I'm waiting for reality to sink in.

no one in particular. everyone who ever put on a uniform and paid the ultimate price so an ungrateful populace could keep being ungrateful has my respect.

thank you to every single person who has put on a uniform and given up a piece of their personal life so i can have mine. dont worry boys, soon i'll be one of you.

barnes and noble is the highlight of my day, if katrina bails im gonna kick her in the tits -_-

secret: i think im the jealous type. but shhh, i dont want anyone to know.

well it wasn't really a comeback, more like a completely out of place statement that totally ruined the romantic moment going on. see when daniela and i were first hanging out before we started to date she had (and sometimes has) an issue with certain people seeing us so she'd push me or just let go of my hand and put like an extra foot between us and one time we were kissing and she noticed someone coming over and she wouldnt let me kiss her.

being the smooth motherfucker we all know i am i laugh and say "guess no really does mean no with you, eh dani?"

daniela's face: O_o

I was born to brew up storms, push lines, fuck with peoples heads and make all of you think. Challenge your preconceptions, beat up people you've seen in the hallways, kicking up dust everywhere I walk and facing the challenges of my world with 2 swear fingers and a fucking smile.

I sucker punch big dudes and pop off without warning from time to time. Why? Because I can, because it's sometimes necessary, because I love my friends and my ego.

This is not what I expected from a Thursday and now there's nothing to look forward to on Saturday. Well, not what I really wanted which was a memory to not be forgotten.

secret: from time to time my potential seems limitless then there are days when it feels like I'm a kid with his feet nailed to the ground and I'm going nowhere.

Coming up it never mattered what you looked like just how you DID, you might be psyched because you might whoop some ass or get the girl but it was all up to you. Blame circumstance, bad luck, say it was all skill, what was done was how you were held accountable. Judged by what you'd done and what we thought you would do, it was fair if you were in with the outcast crew. I'm starting wonder if that's fair, or even right.

People who fight (myself included) can often end up using it as a coping method or an all around solution to problems.


I'm turning 18 soon, the consequences of my actions become very very real. I can't dismiss the urge to pop off on anyone who disrespects me or the people I care for. I can't help wanting to break rules when I want to or when they don't make sense but I don't want prison.

I've got a good girlfriend and a great future ahead of me, gotta try hard not to fuck it up. This is for real.

this is not how i wanted or expected to feel after so short a time. love?! LOVE?! l.o.v.e. oh damn. this euphoric rush at just the sight of her, the almost orgasmic rush of warmth that rushes my chest when our lips touch, the simple pleasure of conversation & hand holding. yep. felt only once before here it is for an encore performance. LOVE.

i am in love. and i love it.

secret: being a sappy kid is actually pretty fun

gotta love how much easier the internet makes it to show affection

prom was amazing, daniela looked beautiful and i didnt look to bad either.

dancing, kissing, eating, more dancing and kissing, a walk along the beach, a romantic moment that stretched out till she left, chilling with the friends in the hotel room.... all that part is a blur.

fun fact: i woke up in a pair of shorts that i did not bring or remember putting on.

[TL;DR] prom ruled, my friends and girlfriend rule.

So I'm on my way to Dani now, how weird is it that I feel more out of place in a tuxedo then my ripped up pants and band tees?

Hardcore calms me down. Hm.

Had a pretty good talk with Katrina last night, damn dude that girl is something else. We have semi-made plans to go to Barnes sometime this weekend and I won't lie it'd seem like more fun then prom if not for being with the +1 and Steven. Crazy, funny, oddly sexy and cocky as hell. I now remember why I liked her so much.
*flashback* there was that stuff too XD
It was so cool to talk to her, by far my favorite ex and the only one I want to talk to anymore it's nice to call her a friend again. She cheered me up tons.

Aaaanyways guys, I cemented my status as kid with mad swag when I went to the spa place again. See, the lady feels so bad that she offered to keep giving me some odd treatment or something (you know me, if it's free I'm there) and when we showed up the only person there was the receptionist and the old lady who does nails. Mom quickly leapt into mile-a-minute spanish with her and left me and the cute recpetionist alone. Being Sir Loudmouth means I don't like silence to much so I started some small talk and it was nice but a few minutes into it the realization hit me: she's flirting! Before I can say anything to stop her like ("I have a girlfriend") or just ruin it with a bad joke ("if you can't tell the difference between a spoon and ladle then you madam are FAT) she asks to see my phone which I hand her and she types her number in it, saves it, has me do the same, winks at me and says to go intothe first room and that I should hit her up sometime now that she's single.

Pro. Amirite?

I couldn't find a corsage for daniela which brought me down a bit but there's a lot of other stuff to bring me up. Mostly sleep, I like it now but it never stops feeling like a waste of time... meh, good way to pass time. Oh man, after party with the homeboys

Tuxedo. Check.
Cologne. Check.
Shoes. Check.
Deodorant. Check.
Cockiness. Check².
Corsage. Purchasing later.
Dancing skills. n/a

Quick, does anyone know of a youtube video that can show me how to dance before 6:00?!

-alexprag

p.s myspace.com/tangentsin
Go on, you can't be a cool kid if you don't know this amazing musician.

Jealous and upset, but only the tiniest bit (which means [of course] more then a little).

Advice from Lucy and Victor to Ozzy and Dre convinced me to let it go. Gets me nowhere, makes me seem foolish, only irritates and hurts me. Prideful boys can't have pretty girls knowing they make a difference, the ego must be satisfied. Over reactions are my forte, ignoring me or just brushing me off isn't the way to get a point across... but I'm not gonna pick a fight over a bruised ego. I'm just gonna bitch on the internet and feel better when I'm done.

There's a sense of sadness in signing yearbooks and having mine signed. I was never particularly into yearbooks and this year isn't any different, just the knowledge that I won't be appearing or writing in any is a bit of a
shock.

Oh, the shift from nightly runs to morning is going fine. A little hard to get a steady pace going but after the first half mile I'm good.

Oh, I'm working on the things I don't like/things I love list. Coming out pretty funny, I've learned some stuff about myself and not all of it is nice.

Fun event of the day: being tricked into getting a facial by internet friends, holy shit women are insane. I don't like popping my own zits let alone having a stranger doing it without regards to how much it stings -.-

Thnks fr reading,
Alexprag

Wong-sam and Steve are sitting next to me. We're in my backyard trading secrets.
I'm shocked by some of the shit I've learned.

I gotta stop letting people runaway to my place.